@anerdonfire2

The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

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@EJGomez

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

@ibid78

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah

@PyrBliss

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.

@Dr_powpow

I could be wearing a onesie right now, you don’t know.

@RobinMcCauley

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

@rofnl

customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager

@TheDeducers

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert