The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
#oldknees
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.