@bartandsoul

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

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@just1fool

Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@Cheeseboy22

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

@ChicksRule

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@FilthyRichmond

A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.