Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.