@AndrewChamings

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

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@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

@eedrk

[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

@mostunladylike

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@Tmoney68

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.