[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

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I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”


Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.


[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]


[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?


Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped


I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.


The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”


I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.