@portmanteauface

The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

You Might Also Like

@wildethingy

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

@Staggfilms

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

@psybermonkey

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn