The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.


I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.


You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.


HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ




ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.


Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right


I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.


Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.


ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn