the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Is your wife single?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.