The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
nyc:
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.