@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

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@ariscott

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@ElgatoEsmio

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

@Aikiwomannc

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@Laser_Cat

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

@TheHatStore

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.