For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.