Jogging has never helped my memory.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.
Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?
“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”
-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[gently brushes your hair out of your face]
“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.