The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.