The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia


Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.


Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles


Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.


Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.


vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish