@donnalburt

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

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@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

@PondHockeyPro

Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?

@mexinonblonde

“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.

@Carbosly

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@Mr_Kapowski

[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@Reverend_Scott

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

@UncleDuke1969

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.