It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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Sorry I swung from your chandeliers
It will happen again
Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish