The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.