Cop:alright now repeat after me
Me:repeat after me
C:no not yet
M:no not yet
C:put your hands in the air
M:put your h..
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I have so many questions.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.