I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
This is my emotional support knife.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Every damn time