@BromanConsul

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words

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@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

@_davidlucas_

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

@Sickayduh

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired

HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired

ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra

@hythemafia

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

@NikkiGlaser

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.