There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.