the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words
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put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired
HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired
ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Mom: Where are you?
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
Why is everyone getting married at me