I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”