@BigJDubz
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
@kumailn
The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
You Might Also Like
@BigJDubz
@AndyAsAdjective
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
@trevso_electric
dam girl
@DaddyJew
Jesus: *turns water into wine*
Me: nice
Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*
Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit
@JediGigi
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
@House_Feminist
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
@elle91
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
@NYC_Blonde
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
@EvanJKessler
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
@SuchaDumbWorld
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.