@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

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@BigJDubz

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

@AndyAsAdjective

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

@DaddyJew

Jesus: *turns water into wine*

Me: nice

Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*

Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@NYC_Blonde

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

@EvanJKessler

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

@SuchaDumbWorld

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.