@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

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@tastefactory

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

@JennyPentland

I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

@StatusInBeirut

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

@minkpinkustink

look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one

@AbleLikes

me: all my underwear is black, like my soul

also me: OH MY GOD IS THAT A PUPPY? IT’S SO PRECIOUS!!!! WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU’RE A GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE

@badbanana

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

@TrophyWifeDayna

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.