The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]


“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”


Jesus: *turns water into wine*

Me: nice

Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*

Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit


I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.


“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am


Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT


If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.


If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.


No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.