Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
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You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
By age 35 you should have like 2 real friends both of whom live in other states and around 700 online friends with whom your relationship is so tenuous that a simple opinion about a comic book movie could end it instantly.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong