“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“who brought the getaway car?”
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit