The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.