@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

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@aveuaskew

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

@omically

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

@WilliamRodgers

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@0000seapea808

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit