they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I don’t think my car can fly
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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Expectations vs. Reality
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.