Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
☺️
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.