the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?