My autocorrect changed epi to epic so this death is gonna be awesome.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again
me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.