The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.