The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
What about second breakfast?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.