@AimeeHelene1

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

- @AimeeHelene1

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@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.

@hoedeehoe

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

@Duke1173

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

@thepaulahunt

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@delusions_of

When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

@tastefactory

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

@KielyHealey

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

@withanewname

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.