The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.