the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
You Might Also Like
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.