My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?