The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.