The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
When I snag the last meatball.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.