The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna