The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me