@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

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@Playing_Dad

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

@DillDoes

*Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I’d be happy to help

@kimlockhartga

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

@SteveKoehler22

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

@brennadine

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@bornmiserable

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

@kissmefreedom

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.