The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?