If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I’d be happy to help
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
me never admitting when i’m wrong
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.