The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
how high up are we talkin’?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”