The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Who.
Did.
This?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.