One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out