You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

@ilovepie84

I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep

@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@daddydoubts

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

@david8hughes

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

@sammyrhodes

I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

@LionJenkins

Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.