Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
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I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.
Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.
Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.