Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house