~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?



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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.


My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???


When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.


co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]


One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.


I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic


lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire


I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.


Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.


[crime scene]

photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.

detective: let’s do a jumping one!