@iAmDelFreaky

~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?

Really?

*sighs*

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@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

@ImLeslieChow

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

@21stcenturysahm

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

@3sunzzz

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

@Sassafrantz

[crime scene]

photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.

detective: let’s do a jumping one!