Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns