the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t