@Sotherans

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

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@BK_Blonde

I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

@brynnester

[Confession]
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part

@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

@Sassafrantz

[text]
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”

@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

@Browtweaten

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@PamphleterandCo

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.