@Sotherans

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

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@Jade_VK

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

@okimstillhungry

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

@theregoesrichie

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

@sarawrencomedy

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

@TaylorVirtue

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

@nerdamage

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”