the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

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I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves


I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.


Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part


When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.


“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”


[before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault


Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges


[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]


“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented


For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.