the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!