If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing