The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.