The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The old gods are rising again.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Legend 🤣🤣