The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
repaired
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.