We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Body by Oreos
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭