The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later


I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.


I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy


Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.


I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.


Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.


*hands stranger a condom

S: I don’t need this

Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak


Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.


Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”


I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.