The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
A wise man once said nothing.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.