The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
You Might Also Like
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.