The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

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“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”


My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?


My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”


Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool


Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on


[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys


I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.


sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks


Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me