@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

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@WillGeorgese

“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”

@Chhapiness

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

@WheelTod

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

@OzCricketFan81

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

@House_Feminist

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@Kendragarden

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

@sadmonsters

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me