Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
🤣
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.