@Ron_White

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

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@jctsmileyone

No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

@dubstep4dads

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

@dumbbeezie

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@EJGomez

“911? Yes I need to report an incident”

“What is it mam?”

“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”

“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”

@ItMightBeJimbo

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in