@Ron_White

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

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@TheToddWilliams

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

@NateMorrising

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@pauvrelapinou

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@inmyimage007

[checking on my daughter at bedtime]

Me: Why are your legs up like that?

5: Because I don’t want the monster to eat my feet.

Me: That’s crazy, put them down. Besides monsters don’t eat feet, they like hands.

@BuckyIsotope

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

@JuliaChildCIA

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.