The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!
apartment hunting is going well
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.
She’ll find love in another man.
I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in