The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*