The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I have never related to a cat more
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.