@brendohare

The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right

You Might Also Like

@AaronFullerton

Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!

@nayele18maybe

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@Slave_4_U

Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.

@PersianCeltic

Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@HomeProbably

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

@3sunzzz

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.