The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
im all 3
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.